All right, puny humans, the time has come. You’ve been sending me a lot of questions recently, and I’d be remiss in my duties as an alien blogger if I didn’t take the trouble to answer a few of them now and then.
Q: Why ‘Space Lord’ and not ‘Time Lord’? Surely Time Lords are cooler?
This is true under some circumstances. They can certainly be cooler once I’ve attacked them with my freeze ray. However, I think some of you are labouring under the misapprehension that Doctor Who represents something close to reality. Time Lords are actually quite boring entities who like to go on the galactic panel shows and patronise everyone with their views on causality; most of us loathe them. The trouble, of course, is that they spend most of their time (haha) worrying about what damage can be done by skipping around the timeline like a demented flea — and rightly so: they’re supposedly aloof, responsible beings who ought to be setting an example. But that leads to a sense of powerlessness as they eventually conclude that almost anything they might try will either have horrendous repercussions or be no fun at all. The rest of us tend to say ‘stuff that’ and do it anyway — because we can; because we’re not supposed to be careful, like they are. And it irritates them beyond measure. The best thing I can say about Time Lords is that I am not one of them. Can you imagine the havoc I’d cause if I did my time travelling with a licence? Not only did I fail transtemporal hyper-mathematics at college, but following an ‘unfortunate incident’ involving a causal loop and an astronavigation teacher I happened to have a crush on, my tutor sent a strongly-worded message to the Galactic Time Agency, scuppering my chances for good. I think we can all be thankful for that.
Q: How long have you lived on Earth?
It depends. In some versions of reality, I’ve been here longer than DNA-based life. However, for reasons I’ve never been able to fathom, those branches of the Earth universe now also contain millions of clones of Joss Whedon, so I never visit them any more. I like Joss, but more than, say, ten of him is too many for anyone in my humble opinion. In our current branch the answer to your question is ‘about ten years’. I can’t be too specific because it might lead to the authorities discovering my entry point, which would not be a good thing as they might then deduce the real reason I’m here. Enough said.
Q: Do you keep any pets?
Officially, I’m not allowed to have pets. I rent my house, and the landlord was quite specific about it. It has occurred to me that I should make my landlord a pet, thus nullifying the contract clause through the application of recursive authority — but I don’t want to cause a scene. I quite like skunks, and I’d probably get a few of those if I thought I could get away with it. I have the ability to switch my sense of smell on and off, which would help a lot.
Q: Who is this ‘Mike Torr’?
Mike works unceasingly behind the scenes of this blog. He is my assistant, my editor, and occasionally my ghost-writer. He is a stout fellow [Editor’s note: careful with the definitions, Owota - you’re not in the eighteenth century now] and has been my right-hand dookie on this planet ever since I arrived. I trust him because he shares my love of the incongruous, and incidentally, would miss out on a lot of personal amusement were I ever to be unmasked and deported. He’s also quite patient, which, given the length of time I’m sometimes away doing other stuff, is a valuable attribute. If the Galactic Government ever decides to intervene in the running of this planet, I plan to offer him a post on the new Earth Council. I suspect, however, that he will refuse it [actually I’m keeping that option open for now — MT]. He’s never been a natural leader and prefers to spend his time exploring mind and cosmos. Fair play to him.
Right, I think that’s quite enough until next time. If you have any more questions for me, please leave them in the comments and Mike will collect them and pass them on to me for answers, ridicule, or vindictive disintegration, as appropriate.
