What is it with you humans and water? You seem utterly smitten by every aspect of it. When you’re not drinking it you’re standing under a stream of it, heating it, freezing it, throwing it on your pet plants, floating on it in boats, vaporising it to push pieces of metal back and forth for the purpose of transport and entertainment, and even, on some occasions, deliberately falling down a lethally steep and frictionless slope made of the frozen version of the stuff on a couple of planks. I mean, it’s good to have an interest, but obssession isn’t usually healthy.
Actually, that reminds me of something that happened to me a day or two ago, when I was levitating by the river. There was a yacht motoring upstream, and I noticed that it was called Who Gives a Monkey’s. This got me wondering, not only what that expression meant, but where one might go to find the answer to the question posed.
A quick online search via my brain implant revealed that the first question doesn’t seem to have a definitive answer, though most of the suggested ones are rude. I think it most likely that the missing word is probably ‘arse’. I was slightly troubled at the prospect of now answering the second question, since it would necessitate both research into the best way of locating a purveyor of simian posteriors, and probably some degree of travel and revulsion. Shelving the project for a future expedition when I get bored, I instead decided to follow the yacht in order to discover what sort of person chooses such a name for a vessel, and, further, omits a vital piece of punctuation. After a quick look to make sure nobody was watching I dived into the water and attached myself, unseen, to the keel of the boat, intending to remain there until she was moored.
But I was out of luck, as an automatic defence mechanism triggered almost immediately, and an infinite number of monkey’s arses shot into the water around me. Within a matter of seconds they had (1) dislodged my grip on the keel and (2) typed out the entire part of Bottom from A Midsummer Night’s Dream with their tails.
I just can’t win.
What I really want to know is where all those typewriters came from.
