Saturday 3 March 2018

Patience, Earthlings!

Oh gosh. I’m SO sorry! I know, I know… it’s been over six years, and there’s no possible way I can apologise, so I’ll just grovel and beg. I am, for the moment, as well as your incognito Space Lord, also paradoxically your humble servant, and I hope to make it up to you in due course with more updates from the world of an alien abroad on your grotty little planet.

There, was that OK?

Ah yes, explanations… well here’s the thing. After my trip with the Feds (see last entry, from 2011, December), I happened to bump into Gook, and he challenged me to a Patience Race, which obviously I couldn’t refuse, what with his being my right-hand dookie in senior college back on — oops, nearly gave away my home planet there. Losing my grip.

Where was I? Oh, right. So a Patience Race involves travelling to the nearest star and back, riding photons. That means we go at exactly light speed, which obviously requires use of warp drives but only with the lightest of feather-touches on the throttle. The warp bubble is barely visible, and the universe looks really cool, squished flat, with everything spread out behind you and almost nothing in front. It’s magnificent at first, don’t get me wrong, but after a few weeks it tries even the most patient soul.

So the idea is to see who gives up first. I’m afraid Gook and I are very competitive, and so we both made it all the way to Proxima Centauri and back, which took us six years. And I had no access to hyperwave to send you updates this time because he insisted on using official Galactic Patience Team craft, which are rather minimalist for obvious reasons. It wouldn’t do to be in a Patience Race and be able to check your social media messages, oh dear me, no.

So I’m back again, and what do I find? Your politics has gone totally fribbous! What on Grootix have you done to yourselves? Honestly, I want to give up on you sometimes, I really do. But I’ve decided to hang around because I love laughing at you all so much. This time, I was sensible enough to pre-pay my bills, so at least I don’t have that hanging over me again.

Keep checking back for updates. I’m sure that, before long, I’ll be causing havoc somewhere in the vicinity, and I promise you, you’ll be the first to know.

(Oh, and in case you’re wondering, it was officially a draw, though I’m pretty sure Gook smuggled a deck of cards aboard to play patience — but I can’t prove that.)