I have a headache.
Yes, it happens. Sometimes Space Lords get headaches. But not like this. This one is, as they say, a blinder. A veritable supernova in my cranium. I’m not used to this level of disorientation, and I’ve been bumping into things this morning. You know, the usual stuff. Shoes in the hallway; crates of plutonium compound in the kitchen; errant cyclists who cut me up…
And I know why, too. It’s entirely due to the stress I’ve recently undergone while attempting to run planet-scale anthropological simulations.
I got the idea from the climate scientist folks. They love to crunch numbers, those people: they are so my tribe. I’d love to make their jobs easier by lending them my Zarbulon 708 Zettawarrior Quantum Cogitator, but you know how it is… the galactic non-interference treaty can be a bitch. So anyway, speaking of the Zarbulon, I gave it quite a meaty task. I set it up to forecast global human interaction for the next fifty of your years.
I got an ely (See The Meaning of Liff) the moment it initialised. The summary page blithely informed me that a set of annealed outcome graphs would be ready in around three weeks. Frankly, I don’t want to wait that long because the political climate is getting too unstable for my liking — and, as a secret alien, I’d be in for some trouble if I were discovered. Not to mention the risk of nuclear annihilation, which would be somewhat inconvenient for me as I’d lose up to a day of work when restoring my mind from a hyperwave backup. As you are well aware, my work is important: I have all those not-exactly-evil superprojects to complete, and who else will do it?
The other thing that would pose an issue if you ridiculous apes were stupid enough to let off the fireworks is that my house probably wouldn’t survive intact, and I’d have to start rebuilding a whole load of stuff on some other planet.
So, yeah… I need these simulation results. I have to assess the risk. And three weeks, as I said, is far too long. Time to roll up the sleeves and start manually optimising the causality matrix.
But first, I think I’ll indulge in a drop of this caffeine stuff. It usually seems to come in the form of these odd little grains that I’m supposed to melt with heated water. Why you can’t just inject it and save time, I have no idea. Even so… I’m getting rather fond of it. I just wish I could say the same for you humans.
